Stop Being A Poser!

 scumbag steve stoner poser

*Names are changed to maintain anonymity*

When I was a newbie, I was quite transparent about it that people would find me amusing. I’d ask any possible question that a rookie could ask and I wasn’t afraid to look like an idiot. Why pretend to know a lot about something when you clearly don’t right? Right. However, this isn’t usually the case for some people, especially posers who’d boast about Marijoinlah consumption in an attempt to look cool.

Here’s a story about a p­­­­oser I once knew.

For the sake of her anonymity, I’m gonna call this person Tumblrina. The reason why I’m calling her Tumblrina, is because she seemed like one of those generic Tumblr girls who had “I’m not like other girls” written on her twitter bio just because she smokes ciggies and likes to tweet vague emo band lyrics. Basically, she’s a try-hard.

I was introduced to her by my then boyfriend, Curry, at the time. Tumblrina was dating his best friend, Chris. From our regular hang outs, I would hear her talk about the many sessions she has had and how much of a hardcore Marijoinlah head she is. Being a noob user and almost clueless about Marijoinlah, I believed her stories and I was looking forward to finally have a session with her.

From the moment we first met, I just had this uneasy feeling about her but I ignored it since I’ve never been the type to judge before I really gotten to know the person. But along the way… my uneasy feeling and doubts were confirmed after witnessing her pathetic attempt at using a bubbling apparatus (that rhymes with 'song') during a session.

One afternoon, Curry, Chris and Tumblrina went to Petaling Street to go look for the perfect bubbler. They finally settled on a plastic-made apparatus that had a Bob Marley head sticking out of the tube and brought it to Curry’s place. It was dope. Curry invited me over for a session and when I got into his room, Chris and Tumblrina were on the floor chillin. As we were all sitting and talking, it led to a discussion on what we should name the apparatus during this momentous session. After much contemplation, Curry decided to name it “Morgan Weedman” and all of us laughed while nodding in agreement.

morgan weedman

I was really excited because it was my first time using any sort of Morgan. Curry filled Morgan with water, packed the bowl and took the first hit, showing me how to inhale and exhale properly while holding Morgan like a pro. I was amazed because he looked like a dragon, with all the smoke he was blowing. He packed the bowl again, saying that this is proper etiquette during a session, not leaving the bowl empty as you pass it to the next person.

Chris took Morgan, started taking big hits and mumbled “whatever you do, try not to cough” as he struggled to hold it in but he ended up coughing uncontrollably anyway. “See this is what happens if you cough, it’s hard to stop,” he continued mumbling as his face started to change from pale to rosy cheeks with his eyes squinted. He was already baked. He grabbed a drink to quench his thirst (curing his cotton mouth) then he refilled the bowl for me to smoke after.

It was my turn and I felt nervous, all eyes were on me like a microscope since I was considered an amateur. Tumblrina kept focusing on me, I felt like she was waiting for me to screw up. Little did I know, I was about to become a natural pro-hitter. I sparked the bowl, inhaled little by little while taking short pauses in between then I exhaled what little smoke I had left, maintaining a calm composure. My face immediately lit up and I was struck by an instant hit of euphoria. From that moment, I knew that I was more of a Morgan person than a J person. I was in love. Chris and Curry were pleased then they gave me this mango flavoured jelly candy for the munchies.

Tumblrina was particularly shocked and she had a smug look on her face. I packed the bowl, passed it to her then I laid back and enjoyed the munchies. I was looking forward to see Tumblrina take a hit since she kept boasting about her Marijoinlah consumption.

As soon as she took a hit… that’s when she was exposed. She couldn’t even use Morgan properly and ended up wasting all the Marijoinlah, causing it to get wet. All of us were baffled, we were under the impression that she was an experienced Marijoinlah head. She kept apologizing afterwards, saying “It’s been a while since I’ve used one, I don’t remember how to use it.” Her face was so obvious, she was completely lying.

I don’t get it. Why lie? What’s the point? Who are you trying to impress? All of us come for sessions to chill, not to brag or show others how cool you are. Just be yourself, man. Now I know why I felt uneasy when we met. I guess my Marijoinlah radar has always been right from the beginning, I can tell right away when someone is a Marijoinlah head or when someone is just pretending. That was what my instincts were telling me about her, she was a poser. I hate posers.

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